A Matter of Faith, or The Biggest Dick Ever

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Today, strictly in the interest of science, I'd like to talk to you about my penis.

Gentlemen: weep; ladies: take note: I, NukeThePope, sport a 19 inch penis!

Of course I wouldn't expect you to just take my word for this amazing claim. By way of proof, I offer the testimony of my faithful (and very happy) girlfriend, affectionately known as "Mrs. Columbo:"

I'd like you people to know that you have a real "big" celebrity in your subreddit! I'm a big girl and it takes a lot to satisfy me, if you know what I mean. And I gotta tell you, Nukie is not just big, he's not just huge, he's, like, oh my gawd! We tried to measure it the other day, and of course the ruler was way too short, we had to use a yardstick! And he's like more than half that!

But enough about me. My second topic for today is faith.

Yesterday, but not for the first time, I had a difference of opinion with someone about faith. The key phrase he used that never fails to affect my blood pressure is:

We take just as big of a leap in saying that [there isn't a God] as a Christian does in saying that there is.

In the course of the discussion that followed, we both ended up acting like dicks, but needless to say, I won the contest. Which elegantly segues back to my first topic:

It takes just as much faith to believe NukeThePope doesn't have a 19 inch penis as to believe he does.

What, you don't believe me? Going by the logic of some Christian apologists, we could say that there's a 50-50 chance I indeed have the amazing tool I claim to.

Actually, that's leaving me with the short end of the stick, so to speak. After all, there's much more evidence for my claim than for yours. See, I provided you with my girlfriend's testimony (see above). You know it's true because my girlfriend is a totally honest person who wouldn't lie about stuff like that. And besides, she wouldn't be my girlfriend if not for... well, it wasn't my looks that persuaded her!

You, on the other hand, are left figuratively holding an empty bag. Do you know where I live? What I look like? Have you ever met me? Have you ever, umm, seener my wiener? So it's like, you don't know anything. You don't have any evidence, zero, nada, zip, to measure up to the testimony I presented.

So, seriously, with all the evidence in my favor, I'm really disappointed in your failure to believe in the magnitude of my... magnitude.

For those of you who'd like to discuss this topic at greater length, here's a handy-dandy tabular summary of the issue, with a similar example by way of illustration:

  NukeThePope's godly dickChristianity's dickish God
Claim"NukeThePope has a 19 inch dick" "God created the universe in 6 days, impregnated a virgin, had a son who could walk on water, sacrificed that son but that son came back from the dead 3 days later and flew into the sky some time after that."
Evidence His girlfriend's testimony in a document written by NukeThePope God's testimony in a document written by the Church
Evidence to the contrary
  • No non-Biblical historic witness account
  • No evidenced virgin births
  • No evidenced case of walking on water
  • No evidenced case of rising from the dead
  • No evidenced case of flying into the sky
Do you believe? ? ?

For reference, and for any reader who didn't enjoy this discussion because of a perception of puerility, there's a similar argument by Staks Rosh made in The Examiner site. It uses gerbils and (you'll be glad to hear) does not mention penises.

Reddit companion post

Previous: A Common Sense Argument for Evolution Next: Book review: Sense & Goodness Without God

changed June 29, 2011